Season's End

As my job contract expires next week, as school ends and I take my proficiency exams next month, I look back with gratefulness for the life that was.

I am thankful because if there is anything I have experienced the past nine months since my healing in February, since I got back from Elijah House last May is that when God redeems and restores, it is indeed complete, whole, and to the uttermost.

I have tasted and I have seen that the Lord is good, and just like the immortal words that Bono penned,

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

"Grace", from the album All that You Leave Behind

Byousoku 5cm

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... has got to be the most beautifully made anime ever.

Kimi wa Aisareru Tame Umareta 君は愛されるため生まれた (You were Born to Be Loved)

Korean Christian song, made Japanese. I love it!

On Forgiveness

"And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself."

-Corrie Ten Boom, The Hiding Place, p. 248

Inimitable Witness

One day last week I was feeling particularly iffy so I excused myself from the chatter of people and things and headed straight to Isshin, my favorite Japanese restaurant along Arnaiz Ave, right across Park Square One in Makati. I love Isshin. The rustic Japanese ambience gives it a feeling of home away from home - even if I am not Japanese.

Being a non-drinker, a non-smoker, and a tree-hugging health nut, the only vice I can allow myself is an occasional meal with servings of pork. So I was feeling particularly crazy then and decided to throw caution to the wind and ordered what in my opinion can substitute a warm hug and good conversation in that day when I particularly needed one: Curry Rice with Pork.

There is nothing in the world that beats the comfort of a good steaming plate of Japanese style curry rice. It is no wonder that for the Japanese, being able to make a good well-made of curry rice is the mark of a good Japanese wife or mother. In my opinion, there is nothing else in this world that can make a person feel loved than curry rice. Curry is my love object, and I am not ashamed to admit it. So the days I buy myself a curry dinner are days when I feel I am in dead center -- days where I cannot explain why I feel the way I do.

Earlier that day I had a sense of foreboding -- a sense where God was preparing me for how the day would turn out. So early on I spent the day in His presence, soaking, waiting, and listening for what He would say. Lying in the presence of God, I sensed Him telling me that I was His Chosen, I am His Desire, and I am His Obsession. His Banner Over Me is Love. He Surrounds Me. Rejection has long been my bitter enemy, and He took me to places where I felt the sting of rejection beforehand and I felt Him wash away every memory with the strength of His love.

It didn't take long for my encounter with Him to be tested. I faced a situation that day when I know that I could feel that way again, but with His grace He held my heart and gave me strength and dignity to face what was to come. I am amazed at His faithfulness on how He prepared me beforehand. And I find it funny how often I place my identity in the fickle opinions and actions of man when His Word was already enough.

I am His Chosen. I am His Beloved. I am His Desire. And I am His Obsession. He Surrounds Me. His Banner over Me is Love.

I also knew when I was having my late curry dinner, that in my disappointment, I was not alone. I was in fellowship with the Lover of My Soul. And when I spent my evening walking around Greenbelt and Glorietta at 10pm on my own, barefoot and high heels in hand, watching while the vendors pack up and close shop in the desolate mall - He sees, He hears, He feels my pain, and I was in the center of His embrace.

He was there when I needed Him.
He was there when the skies broke wide, wide open.

Random thoughts off the bat

Song playing on my brother's stereo right now: Makes Me Wanna Shout

When I think about the Lord
How He saved me, how He raised me
How He filled me with the Holy Ghost
How He healed me to the uttermost
When I think about the Lord
How He picked me up
And turned me around
How He placed my feet
On solid ground

Makes me wanna shout
Hallelujah Thank You Jesus...

-----------------------------------------

Night wind stirs leaves and trees
In the dead of the evening
at the dead center of space

Silence grips
The ebony hollow of my wrists
Flick flack goes my wall clock
As my soul struggles to find its rhythm

Possibilities abound
And yet hope
Waits for imaginary worlds to start
And yet one runs as the other listens
Scouring the heavens for a sign
A finger for a pulse
or any indication of life
or breathing
or is it dead
or is it gone

As I watch...
As I yearn
As I pray

I am reminded
That death has long been gone
The battle has yet to be won
Not by might,
Nor by power
But by the Spirit

God is a a refuge and strength
An ever-present help in time of trouble
Therefore I will not fear
Though the earth will fail
Though the mountains will fall into the heart of the sea

I will be still and know You are God.

Answered prayers and everything in between

When I think of answered prayers, I think of God's kindness and consideration toward me..

Like the time when I showed up at the school gate wearing rubber slippers, unaware of the dress code, barred by entry by the guard, at a critical day where if I am absent that day I would fail the course...

... and the lady tends a small store across the street offered to lend me her shoes when I casually chatted about my predicament... only to find that the shoes that she lent me are brand new, never been worn, and in my size..

and to make it to class just before my name was called on the roll... catching my teachers offguard when I walked in just when I already became fodder for the joke of the day

.. and in hindsight realizing that 8 am is waay too early to open a store in the morning.

When I think of answered prayers, I am amazed at His unlimited wisdom of the affairs of this world..

Like when I was in college, and I was sitting for Ed Gan Jr's International Organizations class..

and we were given the killer take home mid-term exam...

infamous for having only one question: "What is the future of security cooperation in the post 9/11 era?"

and the night before I was to turn it in, I cried out to God asking... God, I don't know what the future of this world is, only You know that. Help me!

And in an instant, my hands started typing, and in less than an hour I finished my paper.

A week later, when the grades were posted, I had the biggest shock of my life. I had a 92, the highest in both two sections, besting even the class cum laude candidate...

when the second highest in the exam got a score somewhere in the 80s line.. and all the others got borderline grades...

and when I got back my paper, my prof only had complaints on my organization and formatting...

And a trimester later, I was standing in line to get some stuff photocopied, and I saw the person in front of me photocopying my paper..

And when I asked where did he get it, he said that my prof is handing out copies of my midterm exam as an example of what paper should be.

When I think of answered prayers, I remember the exceeding greatness of His
power

Overturning the Dr's diagnosis that I would remain on medications forever and should resort to painting, taking walks, sleeping early and living a low-stress life...

that I would be lucky if I could get and keep a minimum wage part-time job

and be supported by others for the rest of my life...

When now I'm off medications and I've been holding several jobs working at my profession, back to school, and serving the Lord, waking early and going home late... breezing through all my responsibilities with excellence by His grace

just thankful for the privilege to be of service again

and amazed because I really CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.. because I hardly ever feel worn-out or stressed =)

When I think of answered prayers, I think of His love...

and how it has given me the grace to forgive... to love myself... and to love others well.

... and freely receive the grace that is offered by others, in all its different shapes and forms.

I can still think of numerous ways He has answered prayers for provision, for intervention in the lives of others, and even the minute things He did to delight my heart. For the unanswered, for the yet to be... for the times I questioned why things didn't work out the way I thought they should have... I can only rest in this...

That He knows, that He cares, and that His ways are far better than mine. And that my life is forever graced, just because He is around.